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Showing posts from December, 2020

Lost In Time

To Me You are not behind the time you are just lost in time. You missed it and it did not miss. You might have been on time but not at the right place or destination. Now you are at the right place and destination, tragically you are now behind time or worse, lost in time. You should have been at this destination or in this state of mind some time back not now. It will not give you the thrill it should have given you sometime back. Some people were ahead of their time and are ahead of their time but you are behind time at the right destination. Maybe you need to adjust your current destination with your time so that you will not feel lost in time. For you can not move the hands of time. Go back to where you got lost in time and try to find yourself maybe you might come back on time and at par with the destination. Maybe you will find yourself and feel that which you should have felt at that time then maybe you will not feel lost in time. You are not behind the time you are just lost in

Sins Of A Father

To You and Me I had hoped that at some point in my life, I would father you but I have faith that I will be too bad of a father just like I have been too irresponsible in shaping and building myself. I do not want you to look up to a broken man as your father, for I never had a childhood so neither do I want to experiment with fatherhood for the sake of experience knowing very well within me that I am attempting to make up for my own lost childhood. At least you can praise me for my honesty in telling you one side of a multidimensional aspect of why I can not father you. It is not the fear of responsibility within me to father you but I can not be responsible for you and myself at the same time. I do not wish for you to become like me nor do I want you to become an unknown, distant, and strange person to me. I fear I might bring you up the same way I was raised, hence you will end up penning a letter like this. At worst, I might end up bringing you up the way I desire resulting in you

The Sin Of Righteousness

 To Me  Do you still consider temptation to be tempting to you when you being tempted is now the sin rather than you supping into the temptation being the sin? Seeking righteousness is crucifying you but now you are aware that it is not as excruciating as being holy not that you are holy. There you are staggering to live a holy life yet your mind, spirit and heart delight in the sins you should have done, must be doing and probably will not do yet desire to. Containing yourself yet the urge to unleash yourself can not make you tell whether you have indulged in sin or not. You are judgmental of other sinners not because you desire the salvation of sinners but because you envy and lust for their sins. If thee with sin shalt cast the stone, you will catapult a pebble the size of a rock. Ask yourself, "How will you know what is right when you are afraid of being wrong?" Tell yourself, "How will you be holy when you have never sinned?" Take a bite of the forbidden fruit

Mental Slave

To Me  How does it feel to be mentally liberated now? You now have the freedom of thought but have you gained the independence to do as you wish? You are now mentally liberated, I wonder if your thought process is at par with the mentality that you thought you would have when you were a mental slave. I know you feel afraid of what you are becoming, for you used to envision it but now you are becoming it and it seems quite the opposite of what you envisioned. Your mental liberty came at a price but that same liberty you possess now costs you more than the price you purchased it. You used to torment yourself for not having the mindset you possess now but ironically you are tortured by the mindset that liberated you. Tortured by your liberal desires. I would like to know, this liberated mind that you have now is it liberal because it was the opposite of the captured state of mind that you had? I wonder if it is even liberal, you seem to have adopted a liberal mind that replaced your captu

Gone

To Me You are not coming back. You keep on heading toward an unknown destination. You could come back to what knows you and that which you are aware of. Are you not afraid of being lost as you seek an unknown destination? Do you not see that you are enjoying the journey more than the progress you are making toward the destination? Are you even aware of your destination if you are half a step from it? At some point, there will be no point of return as you will make a decisive emergency turn that will be illogical. You will look back at how far you would have come but the starting point will be out of sight, not because of the distance you would have covered but because you would be lost. What then will you do, when the destination does not give you the satisfaction you had during the journey? What then will you do when you are gone and then start to wish that you return to that which you left then deserted?  From Me

Truth

To Me You fear the outcome yet you are already being tormented by the consequences before the side effects even begin. How long can you hold on to living a life that you know is scripted and the scriptwriter being none other than your biased and polarized self? You are acting out a reality to appease those living a life with tragic consequences and excruciating fairy tales. The truth is, you have to stop acting it out and face the music which will not be music to your ears. You are devouring a lie and exaggerating it so that maybe you can find a comfortable truth within the exaggerated lie that will not hurt you, choosing to be ignorant of the fact that the truth hurts and with you the truth is stammeringly ugly. You have imprisoned yourself in a matrix and chained yourself to illusions. You are beginning to feel the side effects and the consequences of your lies so without contemplating you choose to inject your veins with more lies, sniff false assumptions up your nose and indoctrina

Ambitious Greed

To Me  Is your ambition still the same? Do you believe that you are still ambitious or that you have become something else? Are you still ambitious or has your ambition been corrupted? You convince yourself that you are not greedy and never have been, you are just ambitious. Now, look at what your ambition has made you become and what you have possessed from it. Can your ambition tell you that it has completed its cause and now that it has evolved into greed that can neither be quenched nor satisfied? An ether to the heart, a plague to the mind and cancer to the soul. What is that you desire that you do not have? What is that you have hoped for and it has never come to be? You were driven by ambition but now greed is derailing you. You are numb to the effects of being derailed by greed for you can no longer distinguish between greed and ambition. You want more yet you have everything. No, you need more yet you have all you want. You are fat yet you want to become obese. You cannot tell

Wrong

To Me  Not only did you have it but you possessed it. You were not almost there but you were near. When you were near you were about to completely arrive. You were exercising your potential, tragically now you have probable potential. The fire was in you, a raging and brute veld fire they used to say when they saw you and now you are a case study of a humid heat wave. You were astoundingly amazing now you are holed up in a maze. It does amaze you then it surprises and shocks you that you were leading on the track but somehow you finished first off track. Who made it go wrong? No, sorry. What went wrong? No, it should be where did it wrong? No, to be frank, when did it go wrong? To be honest, you and I need to know why it went wrong. To be accurate and objective how did it go wrong? You have the same answer for all these five different questions that appear to be more identical than similar to you. You never had it all yet you almost had everything but now look at you.  From Me         

Calculated Optimism

 To Me  Can you be happy without being optimistic? Just being happy without planning and being cautious. Doing something without being hopeful or having faith and being unaware of the consequences yet firmly assured that the outcome will be profitable. It's time you took chances without considering the risks. You always consider the risks first, the doubts second and somehow you take the chances half-minded with a diluted passion then tragically you exploit the opportunity dismally. For you have calculated optimism, calculated faith and calculated hope. I am not saying you should be analytical. Can you befriend a stranger without hoping for an unexpected or surprising ouIt'stcome? Can you choose to be kind and then accept to be paid back sevenfold with cruelty in return for your kindness? You smile when there is a potential sphere of happiness and shrug when there is a looming void of sorrow. Can you smile when there is a looming void of sorrow?  From Me                        

Male Rape

To Me  Medicate yourself to eternal sleep so that the shame is buried with you. They will not believe you, and even if they believe you they shall victimize you for being a victim of such a tragedy. A male raped by a male? A man raped by a man? A boy raped by a man? What is the correct reference or attribution? It would have been better if you had been raped by a woman, not that I am justifying rape but this class of rape is more queer than odd. You see what you are labeling yourself now is what they will label you with stereotypical gender bias. A male who got raped who could not fight back, a man who got raped who could not resist, or a boy who got raped because he did not know he was being raped. Which one will it be? I swear on your soul that they will make sure that all three terms are used on you interchangeably even when it is not necessary. Medicate yourself to eternal sleep so that the shame is buried with you before it surfaces. Even if they counsel you and deliver justice, t

Self Envy

To Me This is what you desired to be, isn't it? To be like that creature. Now you are it but you are still in envy of it. Do you now see how you are just like it but you are not it? You envied being like it not that you loved being it. You are applauded for your actions yet you can not take responsibility for them. From where you stood looking at it with envy and from where you stand now envisioning it and acting like it but not being it, how is the experience treating you and what is the difference? Do you not envy your former self? Not in the aspect nor sense of envying it because you desire to be like your former self but because you are now what you envied, hence you are now enlightened that it is not what you desired to be but that which you envied to be. Your former self out of ignorance lacked passion for a self-drive which resulted in envying to becoming what you are now but you can enlighten your former self on how horrible it is becoming and being what you envied. You are

Forgiveness

To Me Now it is burdening you. As it burdens you it further weighs you down. You should have just let it go and free yourself from its clutch. For it has weighed you down and burdened you to an extent that you now believe that you are in control yet you are being commanded over and you can not even notice, the biggest tragedy being you are not even aware of its authoritarian clutch upon you. Your heart and mind have concluded that the honest thing to do is to forgive and reconnect yet you decide to be distant and engage in more bitterness. At times you are aware that you are unforgiving just for the sake of being unforgiving. You are not bitter as you believe you are, you just need to be heard but you choose to be silent and enraged not that you want to nor need to but just for the sake of being unforgiving not the cause of being unforgiving. You are inflicting more pain on yourself than those you choose to not forgive but oh well, you are now numb to the pain. It has become more than

New 'You'

To Me  So there you are. You cannon bolted through the glass ceiling then you escaped the system. Now you are a new creature. You are new, that's almost true but despite being new what are you? You became what you are yet it is distant from who you are. You never used to be what you are now, maybe you were what you are now but you never knew. You are now more terrified of yourself than you doubt yourself. You believe that you are a new you and you have disregarded your old habits and all elements attached to your past yet you are aware that your past combined with your old habits equate to the new you. You are three because of two plus one, hence one plus two will always be three and it will equate to what you are no matter how much you despise one and two or two and one. How are you living your new life now? You are not looking back yet you have prophesied upon yourself that you are to have flashbacks shortly. You asked yourself, "How could I be something new without ev

Fear Of Love

To Me You were loved on credit, so the result was that you were afraid to love yourself and did not know what love was. You sacrificed in the name of love yet your emotions and feelings were detached from the love you offered. You feared to love yourself for it would have appeared as if you took pride in yourself. But then, how would you have loved yourself if you were loved on credit? I wonder what the issue is. Is it the fear of having your love rejected? Is it not knowing how to be in love when your love has been accepted? Is it the aspect of you instilling materialistic value on love when you are distant from having a net worth? If it is the latter, it is not your fault for you were loved on credit. You believe you are too soft and fragile for love, then on the other hand you are too hard for romance. You blindly believe that love shifts and changes like your unstable character and attitude do, so in the end, it is not the love that you fear but it is you being a victim of your sel

Politicized Politician

To Me You wanted the power, and now you have it but you still have to obey the commands of the one who holds authority over you. You do have authoritarian powers, tragically you are not liberal about the source of your power. You are the puppet master's number one puppet but with being number one do not ever contemplate that you are better off or more equal than the rest of the puppets. You desire to do the right thing yet you dismally find yourself pursuing evil with relentless passion. Now you realize that it would have been better if they politicized you as yourself, with no attribution than to politicize you as a politician. You have the power but you do not have the command and control. You can go back to being the ordinary you without political attribution but it will torture, torment and crucify you more than it is hurting you now. You cannot be ordinary, you need your attribution but your attribution is less than the word itself. It is just a title with no formality whatsoe

Escape

To Me  Can you not see that the time is ripe for you to give life to the contemplation that you possess wholeheartedly in your mind which consists of freedom, liberty and independence? The hour for you to escape is upon you and so is the struggle. Mentally you have consumed the fruits of escaping. Psychologically you have enjoyed the happiness and pleasure of being free. Tragically, your psychological state not only is distant from your physical state but is distantly parallel. The mental liberation you have in your mind can not be testified upon you due to what you are outside your mental state, the physical reality and not what they envision when they stare, glaze and glare at you. Mentally you are a force to be reckoned with, physically you are invisible under a microscope. You sit back then you criticize your critical thoughts and when you look at your actions there is nothing to even notice about them. Can you now conclude with yourself that this escape is just a mental escape in

Loses

To Me  You now have elite contacts in your life, tragically you are not connected to these contacts and neither are they connected to you.  You won yet it was not victorious. You struggled to score, then you scored unfortunately you missed the target. Mission accomplished indeed however the mission was not a success. In terms of being overall, you won but somehow the losses overshadow and outshine your overall win. You sacrificed to gain but was it worth it? Did you make sacrifices to win or you made losses to gain? Were they losses or were they sacrifices? Now that you have won and gained you can finally tell yourself whether you made losses to win or sacrifices to be victorious. A winner indeed. A liberation struggle soldier you are. Now you have more mentions to your name than you can handle but no accolades to show your worth or weight. You now have elite contacts in your life, tragically you are not connected to these contacts and neither are they connected to you. The contacts th

Self Intoxicating

To Me  You have hope but you possess no faith. You are independent with no liberalism within you. Your doubt outwrestles your principled bravery. Being yourself is self-intoxicating. You change but you are unable to evolve and adapt. You desire to be yourself yet you are in envy of what other people are. You believe in individualism for selfishness and being self-centered hence intoxicating yourself. You dream of a bright future, tragically you willingly let your void past devour the illumination of your future. You attempt to fulfill your temptations and you fail, hence you commit no sins which results in having no blemish which intoxicates you.  From Me                                    

Free Tormented Soul

To Me  How does it feel now, to be free yet still tormented? To have pleasure yet victimized by how you got it? You now have all the physical pleasure that you desire when it was an emotional and moral pleasure you needed. To be liberated from overthinking yet still shackled to the burden of being an acute critical thinker and 'philosopher'. To be in the fast lane, pleasuring your inner and secret desires yet still tormented by what will be the outcome? To be free from mental slavery yet still a victim of psychological warfare. To still have self-doubt when you are less than half a step away from victory. Let me ask you, how it feels to seek happiness when you either stopped seeking joy or failed to find true happiness? Your source of happiness is that which you used to fear, that which you used to despise, that which you used to hate than dislike. Now you are happy yet still in fear. How does it feel to be a wildfire and you are consuming yourself in the process? You are now w

Aftermath

To Me You regret it yet you were delighted in its unjust. You had to note that there was a need for it, neither was it want but a scripted destiny. You wanted to be independent then you became liberal now you desire to be partially chained again. You were anticipating results then you got an aftermath that was distant from an outcome. Maybe if you continuously indulge in it you won't have to be tormented by the aftermath hence the aftermath just becomes a norm. A regular outcome, even though there is nothing regular about it now but soon it will be. When you were chained physically yet mentally liberated you could see the process but not the aftermath that came after the results. Indeed, it is desirable as you thought it would be yet not pleasurable as you anticipated it to be. It is your first time, it's the third time, the seventh time, the nineteenth time, the sixtieth time. If you still can count how many times then indeed the aftermath will haunt you until you cannot take

Still Happiness

To Me Finally, you are now in your happy place in a happy state but tragically the hands of time will kick you out of your happy place and put you in a position where your still happiness shall tremble haphazardly. You sought peace and it peace found you then it settled at the back of your mind but it can not rest for it knows that it is not immune to the revolving hands of time. So peace must adjust to a new type of peace or it shall vision itself being perished by the hands of time that are destined to kick you out of your happy place. So for peace to save itself from a gruesome tragedy it shall transform to become quiet. Do you now see how your happiness is still but neither rooted nor firm? You are now concerned about your happiness then after being concerned you shall become worried about it. The only threat to your still happiness is the constant shift of your moods and thoughts on how to make yourself happy in different times, different eras, different places, and different loca

Spiralling

To Me You seduced yourself to believe that you would control yourself when you were aware that your fate was in its hands. Now you are spiraling out of control but to it you are normal. You have become a misfit of junk yet when it looks at you, you are just and fair unto it. You once had yourself under your own control and now you are under its command. Did you ever think you would end up like this? When you exercised your liberal rights to engage with it, did you ever contemplate that your liberal nature would be answering to an authoritarian spirit? Look at you now. You can not look at yourself, you are partly blind to what you have become. You are making progress haphazardly yet there is no change. It makes your spirit battle your flesh with no context. You have become enraged internally that you are continuously seeking inner peace then you are blind to the infectious plague you have become on the outside. You are trying to hold yourself together but you are too much of a burden to

Irrational Relevance

To Me You now feel important, don't you? There you are, showing your relevance to yourself and revealing it to those around you yet you have never asked yourself a certain question. You know you have thought of the idea of asking yourself that peculiar question but you have always dodged structuring it. How long do you think you will be relevant? Is your relevance of importance? Your relevance is irrational, isn't it? You are shoving your relevance in people's faces to get recognition but you think that they are acting as if they are blind to your relevance yet the truth is that they see no significance in your relevance. Honestly, your relevance might be irrational or even irrelevant. Could be both you know, irrational and irrelevant. No wonder why you are questioning it now. Your relevance managed to make their heads turn yet failed to trigger their minds. Succeeded in making them laugh and smile but frowningly could not accomplish the goal of bringing them happiness and

Passionately Obessed

To Me You were passionate about it until your passion evolved into an obsession. Indeed you were a hard worker then you became hard on yourself to prove that you were working. You transgressed from an isolated box to a bigger isolated box, then you saw it as progress. You still are passionate about it but your level of passion needs revaluation. Not that it's weak but it's too strong for what you are directing it towards. It's no longer a passion but an obsession. In the beginning, you could not hold yourself back, halfway through you saw the need to hold yourself back but the desire to make progress kept you from holding yourself back yet now you are progressing for the same outcome on a different and higher level that will give you the same satisfaction as before. Yet you desire to keep on going. When you relax and take necessary breaks you believe that you are slacking. At first, it was your playground for escaping from your harsh and unsatisfying reality then it became

Manifestation Of Fear

To Me You were driven by fear and the question is "Are you in a better position now?" Inspired by fear of the unknown now the unknown to you has revealed itself to be just empty fear. You digested a corrupt lie that you were cautious and now you are profusely vomiting the truth that it was neither precaution nor caution but fear. You took the right turn to a just journey yet with no destination. Was the precaution worth it? Was it a matter of fear or being just and righteous in your faith? Do you doubt your faith or do you fear going against your faith by putting it to the test to find out if your faith is as faithful to you as you are to it? Ask yourself, " Is faith when your fear is more promising than your faith?" You told and asked yourself that "You were driven by fear and the question is are you in a better position now?" If you were motivated by faith would you be in a better position? Knowing that you have faith not for the just cause of it but bec

Tormenting Peace

To Me You do rest in comfort and not in luxury. You do sleep yet you neither dream nor have nightmares. A peace of mind you have slaved for and tragically you find yourself diagnosed with mental pain. You curse yourself for not going to war now you feel that the peace you enjoy must be a curse. Indeed you chose not to go to war now the war is delivering the battle to you and the more you retreat from it before you engage you are aware that you are marching towards the battlefront haphazardly but guaranteed you are to engage. They say that the silence is deafening but your peace is tormenting and torturing at the same time. The peace torments you for you never went to war for it, the peace torments you for you are enjoying its fruits at a hierarchical level when you never labored for the fruits of peace and soon the fruits will be forbidden unto you. Then these fruits that you enjoyed will be leveled to have been forbidden unto you when you were consuming them. You were surviving on bor

Creating 'You'

 To Me  You allowed yourself to be passive in fear of being disobedient. Now passiveness has no rewards nor treasures like that of being rebellious and obedient. At least disobedience reaps its lapsing pleasures than passiveness that results in a void. You have none to blame, to be angry at and hold a cursed grudge at for not being what you desired to be and lust to be. You desired to be a tame beast and lust to be a tormenting demon yet you never stepped forward to push yourself towards the first step into the sweetened abyss. You want to create the new you when the old you are incapacitating what you are currently and your current self is treacherously backstabbing your old self for not guiding you to how you could have lost your soul to gain what pleasured your soul and physical stature. You could have been this if you had done that and precisely not that you could have been that if this was like that. Do you want to create the new you who is hell-bent on settling an old score with

Future Pride

 To Me "Pride comes before the fall", they say but your demise sets in before you can have anything to gloat over yet you have hope to have an element to boast about. You do vision the position of the starting line tragically you cannot locate it for your mind is already celebrating the victory lap before you even begin. If you do not know where the starting line is how will you know when and where the race ends? It is not wrong to think ahead but it becomes a tragedy when you think beyond the realm of realism and let your proudly biased creative thinking distort your mental state. When your future pride makes you fail on purpose and with a passion to distinguish between what is, what could be and what could not be. You want to bring the pride that you could have in a creatively biased future to the present day to fix your past mistakes and alter your unsatisfying present state. So ask yourself, "If you are to have the power of pride in the future will it be satisfying w

Empty Hype

 To Me   What you need is the silence from the laughter that you echo out as a pack. Still high on ecstasy yet you find yourself below ground zero. Definitely on cloud nine yet haunted by the dark cloud that has become part of you and no longer hangs above you. You laugh and enjoy whilst you are in sorrow. The void inside of you cannot be filled by hype. Hype is not happiness, neither is happiness joy and joy cannot fulfill you too. You are thrilled by the fast lane yet tormented when you glide on the fast lane. Holding on so that you can have hope when you are truly aware that you are holding on to bareness. But oh well, you ought to have something in hand. From Me