The Painful Pride Of Unforgiveness

You do not want them to repent, you lust for them to confess their sin so that the confession can fuel your pride further that is echoed by pain so that you can continue with your quest of unforgiveness that is a conquest upon you. You do want to forgive however your pride is clutching you captive willingly. Your pride bellows,” After all the time and resources you invested in building pride whose foundation was pain, how could you crucify yourself by humbling yourself to forgive them?” You are feeding them poison as you eat out of their mouth. Now your pride is your demise as it collapses and melts you to ruins before you fall. Your pain is now crucifying for refusing to heal through reconciliation and the unforgiveness you hold on to by a thread has sunk its claws into your soul-less flesh to propel you to surge down to the abyss.

Pride cometh before the fall but your demise has dawned before the fall. Your pride is crucifying you for you refuse to do what the Messiah was martyred for, for your salvation and forgiveness. It is of your pride that you bleat, “You are hurt and damaged”, though you now find no pain from it but refuse to let it go so that you can be identified as a begrudging person who has unforgiveness for your struggle with self-actualization. 

As your identity of unforgiveness chokes you, you suffocate the hope and faith of those who hurt you, you find satisfaction from it as it drives your ego to oblivion than the fall. Pride of Unforgiveness? You pride yourself on paining yourself as you excruciate the sinners by refusing to forgive them. Do you think it’s pride? No, it’s pain. It's pain of unforgiveness than the painful pride of unforgiveness. 

Though, how is the pain? What direction is the pain? Are you pained that you cannot forgive or you are tortured that your fruits of unforgiveness are not bearing the corrupt vengeance to the sinners for them to not repent but to be crucified for their sins? For you are aware that they could never repent of a sin that they have no control over its effect but aided in its manifestation. You do not want them to repent, you lust for them to confess their sin so that the confession can fuel your pride further that is echoed by pain so that you can continue with your quest of unforgiveness that is a conquest upon you.

“Who are you to tell to repent?”, for you can refuse to forgive them but the one who died on the cross can forgive them for what they wronged against you and is not that a sting to your pain and pride simultaneously? They wronged you not sinned against you. How can they sin against? Are you GOD? Forgive? You do want to forgive but your pride is clutching you captive willingly. 

Your pride bellows, “After all the time and resources you invested in building pride whose foundation was pain, how could you crucify yourself by humbling yourself to forgive them?” It curses you than it hurts them for your attempt to digest their hope and faith only made them strong mentally and then anointed them with the spirit of perseverance that is stronger than their hope and faith you are devouring. You are feeding them poison as you eat out of their mouth. Are you not guillotining yourself on the foot? How do you weigh the effect of your verdict of unforgiveness on the ‘sinners’? By measuring and counting the duration you have been begrudging them? You are equating measurement to weight?

 It took pain close to two decades for you to evolve to be unforgiving in a space of fewer than two years but that unforgiveness has eroded you with a sonic flash that outweighs the duration of your pain and unforgiveness. Now you are just bitter that your unforgiveness did not birth the ego for your pride to grow on and the trauma to gas your pain so that you can hold on to your void unforgiveness.              

Now your pride is your demise as it collapses and melts you into ruins before you fall. Your pain is now crucifying you for refusing to heal through reconciliation and the unforgiveness you held on to by a thread has sunk its claws into your soul-less flesh to propel you to surge down to the abyss. You have been betrayed by your arsenal, the arsenal that you testified to be your brothers in arms. a god tossed out of his paradise by his slave. Logically how could pride be an arsenal? When pride is the weapon that one uses for their demise? You were an arsenal of pride and when it had made your demise manifest it catapulted you to the valley of the dead for no element finds value in a collapsed form.

 Why did you have pride? Why did you choose to possess pride? You chose to cover your pain with pride that was built out of hostile grudges that you could heal through but could not overcome for you allowed it to form your identity of being pained by the pride of unforgiveness. Pain became your identity, pride grew to be your clothes and unforgiveness manifested to be your character, not attitude. For you struggled with building an attitude in line with your identity that was parred to how you clothed yourself because of those who hurt and wronged you until that hurt and wrong transfigured to be an abomination sin.

Your pride is suffocating your desire to forgive as your lust to be unforgiving is suppressing your pain from healing. Let it go. Let it go? So that I fly to oblivion? Heal? For me to be humiliated by humbling myself to heal?

The painful pride of unforgiveness.