The Happiest Memory Memorial

Guaranteed them happiness, joy, security, and provisions at the expense of my security sowed a hybrid seed of personal insecurity within myself that I could not enjoy or be happy at the fruits of my labor. Though at least I knew my memory would recall the current proceedings in the time to come I would find calm that I was the cause of their happiness hoping by then I would attempt to bring the memory to life in that present time so that I could withdraw and absorb the happiness of the past in the present time I would be for I had failed to find joy and happiness in its current time that had elapsed. For I had shared my happiness with the ones broken in spirit after it had come at the expense of others. A memorial for my happiest memory that I was never happy when it was in its present and still struggle to enjoy in its memory state.

I could feel the happiness as my heart was overflowing with joy I could not sense and my mind was numb to the happiness. My conscience could process that for this time all is well and what it was processing through it was not just glittering generality but the core of what it saw at face value was the kernel of what was unseen though it still was void to the happiness it was storing in its memory. Maybe it (my mind) could enjoy the current proceedings when it had become a memory that only it could recall in the time to come when my heart would cease overflowing with joy when it would become intoxicated with the present difficulties it would face. My mind was attempting to store all the current proceedings into its memory to later recall but it was in doubt if it was an illusion, a deception, or an altered reality for what it had endured in making this happy presence that would soon fade to memory had made my mind lose its conscience and activate a human nature to be in place of the conscience, hence why it was having a difficult time to process the present into it so that it could become a memory.

Was happiness a feeling or an attitude? Is happiness, a choice or a decision? Should happiness come at the expense of others’ joy or at the price of sharing one’s laughter with the ones broken in spirit? Must happiness be a climate or an atmosphere that is immune to the effects of the weather? I had made them all happy except myself. Guaranteed them happiness, joy, security, and provisions at the expense of my security sowed a hybrid seed of personal insecurity within myself that I could not enjoy or be happy at the fruits of my labor. Yet, is it not what/why we live for though? We live for others to make others happy and bring them joy at our own expense so that we are human enough? True? False? Fact. Fiction? 

I questioned what I had silently echoed to myself, “I could feel the happiness as my heart was overflowing with joy, and was it true happiness.” Was my heart overflowing with joy and was it true happiness that could be weighed or happiness that could be measured? I started to realize that my heart was neither overflowing with joy nor could I feel happy for it was joy and happiness transferred, wired, and channeled through me by those whom I had made joyful at the expense of my fulfillment that manifested to emptiness. It would be a happy memory for them for I would be the alpha, center and omega of that happy memory then which could also make me happy but never fulfill my emptiness. 

Though at least I knew when my memory would recall the current proceedings in the time to come I would find calm that I was the cause of their happiness hoping by then I would attempt to bring the memory to life in that present time so that I could withdraw and absorb the happiness of the past in the present time I would be for I had failed to find and enjoy the happiness in its current time that had elapsed. Though what guarantee would I have that when I recall it in the future it would be a happy memory when it was numb to me in its present time?

I had shared my happiness with the ones broken in spirit after it had come at the expense of others’ joy. Doing such had outweighed the feeling and calm of happiness, joy, and peace then the guilt of being inhumane. How memorable is it witnessing the broken in spirit have their spirit healed and put in high places with the higher power as they testify that it is you who healed their brokenness and shattered spirits? Though how tormenting is it that you execute yourself for what you are praised for? Is not historical that you be the Messiah to the oppressed yet you became the Messiah by spilling the blood of the saints in their weakness? To be honored as the chosen one will be an accolade engraved in their souls till the end of time though despised to be the one with no soul that martyred souls to feast on them.

My happiest memory was some people’s greatest moment of trauma, tremor, sadness, and brokenness. For we all cannot be equally happy, for one to be happy someone’s joy must be ripped from them to aid the happiness of another. My happiest memory is always interrogated by the one who has it though no verdict ever comes from it for it was a happy memory for more than I but descendants and their ancestors hence from that it is memorable. My happiest memory is a memorial? A memorial for my happiest memory that I was never happy for when it was in its present and still struggle to enjoy it in its memory state?