The Apology

This Apology shall never bridge us for one of us needs the bridging, thus it is a selfish apology. I apologize for my intentions were never to be apologetic but to come out of the sorry state of a person I was so that I would not be sympathetic and insecure towards the genuine affection you impounded into me despite your brokenness in the hope that we could all grow and then mature. Tragically I found myself desiring to be ahead of time so that I could become better for you. How honest is it I apologize to the one who excessed my complex inferiorities after and during plagues of complex inferiorities? Whose complex inferiorities were they?

I still don’t believe that I was wrong or that I ever will be wrong but the guilty conscience erodes me now than it torments me. I had to, not that I knew I would or it would elapse the way it did without fruition but it definitely will in the time to come. Maybe when it comes to fruition in the time to come my apology will be of weight yet or but I am aware the apology could be accepted though will never restore the relationship and emotions that were there before the events that triggered the apology. You could accept the apology but how could I live in the comfort brought about by tremors, pain, bitterness and insecurities I ushered unto you? Am I apologizing out of comfort or apologizing from the torment of the ills I pained you with? How could I apologize to you when I was plagued by sympathy, poor self-esteem, and trauma that only healed by echoing itself out to me on the inside by reminding me how I was not worthy of your presence and the sooner I pushed you back the quicker my salvation would come. Sympathetic salvation.

Was I wrong? Did I wrong? Did I sin? Have I sinned? It was never a premeditated wrong nor sin though thought out vision of what was supposed to come to life yet unaware I would hurt you in the manifestation of this vision that would become a revelation. When the signs began to whisper and then started to echo how I was damaging you I intentionally and purposefully ignored them because the vision had to come to life so that I could live and have a life with no regrets. Now it is simultaneously ironic and sarcastic that I am to live, survive and die with regrets whilst tormented by the apology I could never mourn to you and if I am to wail this apology to you your soul would never drool tears for you relate to the apology and not the ‘apologist’. Here I am pre-judging and delivering pre-rejection to my apology for what I have built and acquired has imprisoned my honesty, sincerity and hope for revival. 

An apology accepted is to suffice the hope for revival but an apology pre-denied by the offender before it is gifted to the ‘plaintiff’ is to assert faith for the continuation of the offense and a silent war tormenting the offender in their era of peace and age of prosperity. Was it worth it? Does success equate to sacrifice and is an “I am sorry” the equivalent of “I apologize”? I apologize for my intentions were never to be apologetic but to come out of the sorry state of a person I was so that I would not be sympathetic and insecure towards the genuine affection you impounded into me despite your brokenness in the hope that we could all grow and then mature. Tragically I found myself desiring to be ahead of time so that I could become better for you. I was collapsing everything apart to become part of something you admired yet were never intimate with.

How could I apologize for wanting better for myself at the expense of that which made me sympathetic to myself? Is it just that I apologize for becoming secure with myself at the price of that which made me insecure? How honest is it I apologize to the one who excessed my complex inferiorities? How is it an apology if it is an expense, a price, and dishonest to you? Is there a pain in my sorry or there is a smirk-stain of pride in the apology? My apology could and can never bring back what I lost in search of that which I missed, and that I lost which I never had or never had that I lost. For either it is an apology or a sorry, bygones are bygones yet I cannot get by for I need to get through the vacuum I made out of the void in the pursuit to build something to fulfill the emptiness inside of me that you had begun to heal in your brokenness. Then I shattered you in the pursuit of growth driven by tormented faith and begrudged ambition that was bewildered by insecurities. Do you see a justification for me to apologize?

My apology will never sprout reconciliation. This apology shall never bridge us for one of us needs the bridging, thus it is a selfish apology. You could never heal from this apology for to you what happened is just life and life is such or such is life but to me, this apology is a progressive revelation that for one to heal when they hurt intending to become a better person when they do become a better person they will be afflicted in silence then in folds more than the hurt they showered that was for a cause and good. The Apology N.R.M.