Own Personal Threat

 You constructed a fortress to protect yourself from the ones you loved, as the fortress grew wider, thicker and taller it slowly, silently then painfully pushed away those whom you had a connection with till you were apart and then separated. For you believed the ones closest to you who were connected to you would hurt you when the one who would excruciate you was closer than them and was inside you who was yourself. You thought you needed some time alone or some ‘me time’ only to your surprise that what you desired was isolation so that you would feel secure from your personal insecurities that you saw come to life in other people, which was false but just fear of being alone and being hurt by those you had a connection with that had plagued your mind.

He sat on the perch of his bed and sighed in pain. Pain that was invisible on the outside but was aching in the side. He could walk from one end of his room to another though he was dragging himself internally to have motion. What he had protected himself from did not come to pass and he had ignited a war with no just cause, no sensible reason and no clear ending in fear of being attacked when no one was to attack him except the fear of being attacked. He had built a fortress whose strongholds strength could not be tested by him but by those whom he had built it against than for. Those who saw the fortress from the outside thought it was for protection from external threats with no idea that the threat was already within the fortress and had built the fortress for itself in a desire to contain itself from harm that was non-existent but psychologically constructed by fear. No one attacked him, instead he attacked his own allies and friends with his protection mechanisms by barring them from connecting with him due to the psychologically constructed fear that he would be attacked. His personal insecurities made him construct a fortress against threats when he was his own personal threat. He had not protected himself but severely isolated himself.

He knocked on the concrete steel wall of his fortress just trying to get an understanding than a feeling of how solid it was but no longer sure what and why it was solid for. The internal pain began wailing and it was neither visible nor audible, “The fortress you built out of personal insecurities has managed to secure you and then torture you as it protected you from external threats that were non-existent. The fortress was for security yet somehow it transformed into a torturing chamber for the one it was securing who built it. That is you of course. You protected yourself from the threats that were non-existent though they had a minor probability of happening either way could not happen as long as they were not in your mind. Tragically these non-existent threats that were in action in your state of mind though not visible physically led you to build a fortress to protect yourself from harm that was a mere imagination of what if and a psychological tremor than a reality. Your threats were not far-fetched but were non-existent threats that turned into reality by fear that prompted your state of mind to act on these threats before they happened when they were never going to happen. The only threat that you had was yourself. You were and are your own personal threat. You constructed a fortress to protect yourself from the ones you loved and who loved you, as this fortress grew wider, thicker and taller it slowly, silently then painfully pushed away those whom you had a connection with till you were apart and then separated. For you believed the ones closest to you who were connected to you would hurt you when the one who would excruciate you was closer than them and was inside you that was yourself. You protected yourself from external threats and being hurt by the use of anesthesia?”

He peeped at the outside of his fortress through the secret peephole just to see how it was on the outside including those he had pushed away to protect himself from and his personal insecurities. He desired to reconnect but felt ashamed of himself and somehow knew if he was to reconnect with those he had pushed away due to non-existent threats, those threats would come to life in full rage and he would be in an insecure position. He thought he needed some time alone or some ‘me time’ only to his surprise that what he desired was isolation so that he would feel secure from his personal insecurities that he saw come to live in other people, which was false but just fear of being alone and being hurt by those whom he had a connection with that had plagued his mind. He contemplated how he was to reconnect with those he had barred and shoved off by use of his fortress when he did not even know how to connect with himself in the first place. This was what always stirred and heated his personal insecurities that people connected to him when he saw he had no reason to be connected with people for he had no connection with himself which was a tragedy, for to keep the connection he had to accelerate a current than maintain a spark and he could do neither. He moved his eye from the peephole and began to cement the peephole as he affirmed his thoughts, “You want to connect now because the isolation has become loneliness and isolation is not worth the security. You cannot protect yourself from your own personal insecurities therefore you decide to ‘protect’ yourself from those who could victimize you because of your personal insecurities. You see their love to be tolerant and your loving them is back is vulnerability. You are vulnerable because you love? No, you are vulnerable because you secure your personal insecurities by barring those who love you and could help you to be firm yet you have built a fortress to keep yourself locked with your personal insecurities.  You cannot protect yourself from your personal insecurities for they are in you and you are in them. Hold the fort that you engineered, for if you let it go and it collapses to ruins those whom you protected yourself from will see that you are truly plagued by personal insecurities and they will use those personal insecurities to exploit you. It is not personal insecurities you should protect yourself from but yourself for you are own personal threat.”