Escape From Marriage

I decided without gaining enough experience. A decision that I thought was just and straightforward but I had to go through curves and roundabouts to have made this decision. Yet I did not. Now I am planning to escape from the aftermath of this irrational decision. I have to escape from marriage.

I moved too quickly to protect myself from obscene experiences. That I thought would not take place once I got married. It did serve the purpose though but now I am starting to realize I did need those obscene experiences I escaped from. I am now planning to escape from my marriage into the hands of obscene experiences. A married man cannot go clubbing under holy matrimony. Well, others do. A married man is bound to not know freedom under holy matrimony from my own experience. I needed to become a sinner first before I started practicing being a saint.

The freedom that I am tasting now under holy matrimony is immoral and the guilty conscience haunts me. The taste of illegitimate freedom is serving its purpose, an escape from marriage to gain experience. A prison that I went straight to after coming from another that was concealed in my mind. On how the prison of marriage would save me but now it is fueling me to go against its context for me to gain more experience in life. I have to escape from marriage.

I have grown weary and less interested in looking at my marriage partner. It is how I describe her, just a marriage partner. We do not partner in other activities and my tolerance for her is running out. She is the only face that I looked at once and decided to marry. Marry me off to prison without committing the crimes first. Now I am looking at several faces and aware of not repeating the same mistake of getting myself in a prison. Which I will have to attempt to break out from. Next time, I will just get myself in jail and at any time I can bail myself out.

Did my love for her change? Did I ever love her in the first place? I remind myself, " I made an irrational decision without experience." At least I am now getting the experience I lacked but it will harm my family foundations. If I did love her, well love changes. In the words of poet Nasir Olu Dara Jones, " A thug changes and love changes and best friends become strangers."

I can move out of the jail cell but not the prison I am in. If I get a divorce, what will be of our children? Having experienced divorced parents and custody battles. I and my wife never had such an experience whilst growing up. So it will be unjust to give our children such experiences. One of the core foundations of our relationship is our children. Or what I like to refer to them as part of a prison system. So should I suffer for the well-being of the children?

For how long should I suffer for the sake of the children? Two more decades? Two more decades of asserting the taste of freedom in chains and shackles, when I am failing to even handle half a decade. So whose welfare matters the most? The children or mine? I believe I can be a better father outside of prison than inside. I can only be a better father to them if I sort myself out first. Whereby the only way for that to happen is by being free from the prison of wedlock or marriage.

Is it lust that is leading me to such options? To justify my actions through smoking mirrors of experience. One man to one woman. 1:1 ratio. Yet I know polygamists exist. I wonder if they can be in the situation that I am in now. With two wives or more. Do I want other women? Yes. With no marriage terms or wedlock either. I could have done this but marriage keeps me concealed. Just like prison is used to make criminals reform, rehabilitate and come out better than they came in. Marriage is doing the same for me.

Showing me where I made mistakes. That when I come out I could be able to live a better life than the one that I have in prison and I had before. I once thought my prison sentence was for life. Until I thought of divorce, which could be an escape plan. Divorce is an abomination unto holy matrimony. Well, I am already being unholy in holy matrimony. So what is the use of staying in it? The children?

I wonder if my wife feels the same. Does she also want to escape from prison? What type of prisoner would not want to escape from prison? A stupid one. Who does not want their liberties back? Especially if they never had them in the first place. Then they have a taste of liberty here whilst in chains and shackles. Then realize how good it is and what they missed or still are missing out on.

I think my wife wants out too. She just does not verbally tell me. Her actions do so at times. No, they do not. I am just trying to paint a portrait of an unhappy couple to justify my conscience. She does realize I do not react the same way I used to. Before I realized I am in prison. " Good morning, Good evening." are the most spoken words between us if not all. Can we try to rekindle the flame of love again? We cannot. Why? Love was never there in the first place. Just irrational decisions. Whose aftermath has to be escaped from.

If possible, after having the experiences that I seek, will I love and settle down? Since I claim it is the experiences that I lack which are the context to my wanting to escape from marriage. Before I got into the prison I am in now. I had experienced married couples fighting and showing a lack of interest in each other whilst in public. I experienced it out of ignorance and told myself, " Well it is life, such happens and days move on."

Days can move on but life cannot. Well, I concluded that I am judging out of face value and these couples behind closed doors could be living happily ever after. Could it be? Is that happening to me and my wife? In public we are the walking dead, behind closed doors we are corpses. A divorce is worth it because I get to be alive. I get to live. Under holy matrimony we are dead.

When was the last time I had sex with her? Nine months before we had our last child. Our last child is already attending preschool. Sex is just one of the minor factors that are fueling my escape. Having the same meal for the rest of your life is not worth it. Sleeping with her alone till death do us part is just horrific, because it has happened only twice. I hope I die soon because I have no life now. Which is the very reason I am geared for life after death without marriage. Why wait for death if divorce can give me that life?

Holy matrimony says "No to divorce." So then should I suffer to the doctrine I do not know the context of or the why of it?

I cannot keep up with this prison but at least I can turn it to jail to bail myself out. Even on bail, I will still have the chains in my mind