Addiction

It used to be me using my addiction as an element to escape from reality. Now it is the addiction that is using me to put itself into reality and become an effective force of nature in my life. At times I do not know if it is using me or if I am using it. Both of us will be aware that one is alive through the other and we share a life.

Do all addictions have to be bad? If I say I have an addiction, does it mean it is harmful to society or myself? Maybe it is harmful to both parties. My addiction takes place behind closed doors and dark rooms. Yet when I present myself to the world I am free of addiction. They cannot identify me to be a drug addict or suffering from any form of addiction because looks deceived. Face value judgment puts me in a pure position of the people's view. I present myself to be free of addiction but I am enslaved to it. It is great for an addict to confess. The problem lies when you do not know the context of the addiction or what the addiction is.

Have you ever been addicted to a habit you know is killing you slowly? Yet you still find pleasure in it. The side effects of my addiction surfaced some time ago. Which was a signal for me to quit but I still cling to it. My daily bread. I once told myself " The day after my twentieth birthday I will quit." The day after my twentieth birthday I told myself, " One more time and it is it." Today before I wrote this piece I was behind closed doors and in a dark room feasting on my daily bread. Addiction. It has been a long time since my twentieth birthday and my meal has not changed.

Me being an addict is not the problem. The problem is what has led me to be addicted. The tools that aid my addiction are not the problem either. They just avail themselves to those who wish to use them. What has led me to being an addict?

Ineffectiveness has led me to my addiction. You are still wondering what my addiction is. Should I come out clean to you? You will be embarrassed by me. Well, I am not embarrassed by my addiction because it is what I am. Ineffectiveness has led me to find a shortcut to get to my 'goals' that have no goalposts. I have become so comfortable with being ineffective because I can reach the 'goals' without any hustle. I have adapted to addiction as my daily bread. I love my addiction because it serves as an escape route from my ineffectiveness.

The feelings I have before, during and after consuming my addictive habits are completely different. Before I feast on my daily bread, I tell myself, " It is that time of the day when I have to be me. It will hurt me in the long run but the short pleasure of it is worth the future pain." During consuming my addiction I tell myself, " It is happening now. I cannot stop for anything with such pleasure, after all, decisions are decisions." After having consumed my daily bread I finally tell myself, " Well it just happened, it is usual. The harms of it just freed my mind."

I once sought help online and shunned help from social services. What can you not find on the web in this digital age? After helping myself with online social services, I realized I was just pleasing myself. I let go of the addiction whilst going through online social services but either way a man has to eat his daily bread. The social services could not help me. I had to help myself and I still find myself hungry for my daily bread.

How do I solve my ineffectiveness? Which is the problem. How can I start by solving the context of my ineffectiveness when the tools that aid my addiction are still in plain sight? I could not be aware of what the tools are used for if I did not know the context of it. The solution to my addiction is what I have been indoctrinated to believe is immoral and unjust. So should I continue to suffer because the solution to my addiction is labeled shameful by society? But either way, my addiction is also labeled shameful by the society which is why I never came out openly about it. I prefer to be an addict than to be given the solution to my addiction. The addiction is now in my blood and part of my identity. Not public identity.

Being in love with my addiction is like being in an abusive relationship. Love is the foundation of the relationship. Yet abuse is the status quo and order of the day. Willing to get away from it but not willing to leave the pleasures it offers. Who am I without the daily bread that I feast upon in private? During the night and behind closed doors in daylight. It is from my daily bread that I get satisfaction. Not the bread that comes from the bakery.

The daily bread I consume also consumes my health. It also consumes me physically yet I still lust after it. Getting malnourished yet I feed on my daily bread. How odd! The world cannot see I suffer from malnutrition, they can only see it when they are behind closed doors with me. Where by the world will never be with me behind closed doors has it will not see me feast on my daily bread. Why should I stop being an addict? It has been part of me for as long as I remember. It gives me an escape from reality which I decided not to conform to or attempt because of being ineffective and not having critical ideas.

I could have searched for help before my addiction became an addiction. But I was just doing it due to the lack of being effective at first. Then it became fun. At some point, it became a hobby and finally a private lifestyle.

My addiction has not destroyed family bonds or caused financial strains. It has not been a bad addiction that could have the world pin-point me and shame me for it. For it is behind closed doors. Either way, it is still an addiction. It drains my strength in private just like it does to those in public. The so-called 'junkies'. They suffer physically and I suffer psychologically.

Maybe my addiction will come to an end as time moves on or I will come to an end as it gains full control. My addiction is .......