Murdered By Religion

I committed suicide but at the end of the day I was alive physically but dead emotionally, physiologically, and spiritually

I was raised from a young age with the dos and don'ts of religion. From the age of nine, I was an active churchgoer and abided by religion. But I never understood why the dos were to be done and the don'ts not to be done in some aspects. At times I saw that the don'ts had more benefits than the do's but I could not do it because I was indoctrinated to believe it's a do not.

Fast forward to the present day in my second year of college or university of life, I started questioning the dos and don'ts which were indoctrinated in my mind.

What made me question religion and such beliefs? What it wanted me to do and not to do. This is what I had experienced at viewing other people's lives, that they do not of my religion to give me more to live than the do's that were seemingly enslaving me yet being told over and over that it is the good path. I was systemically dumbed down when I was in my teenage years and it was continuing in my early 20s.

I was so subjective to my religion, which told me not to take any intoxicating, drugs for doing such is wrong, immoral and brings nothing positive but the worst of results. Until I got a revelation on how I was being owned by religion and not owning myself.

This is what I realized, that those who were doing the don'ts were getting and receiving what we the dos were hoping to receive and this aspect of religion just made me lose myself. It was just an odd reverse perspective spin.

Here is what happened to me. We know how stereotyped thoughts devour their believers, on how we think is a good individual we deserve something good.

I liked this girl, Hillary. I tried to gain her attention by all means which were within my religious boundaries and it worked. So I had her attention and I used my knowledge of how to woo and court her for a relationship, the methods I was using were within my religious beliefs. Showing her I was a good person of virtuous character accordingly to my religion, I thought I had won and was waiting for an answer. I kept the conversation pure as possible, ordinary, and normal. Unaware normal is boring. Then it did not happen. I got a negative answer, NO!

So I asked myself why, was the timing wrong? Did I say something wrong? Were my words not right or did I miss an element within myself? All this was to be answered a couple of days later.

Remember the individuals I mentioned earlier who were doing the don'ts and were getting and receiving what the dos were hoping to receive? Yes, that's how I lost my potential girlfriend to a drug abuser and outright cheat, which my religion had me believe we would conquer and triumph over such people. This was the first step out of three to commit suicide.

Wasn't I made to believe by religion that we deserve all the good things for we were good people, yes we do understand that religion also points itself out not to give us what we want all the time but losing and being defeated by the same very aspect we were told we would defeat. Ironic.

The reason why I lost the girl was that I was thinking within my religious boundaries and not within a freedom of thought perspective. When starting the conversation with Hillary I would have thought through the words I would communicate to her, making sure they don't offend my religious beliefs. Even though when I knew that there is a certain element in my conversation that would make her fall off her feet into my arms and completely win her heart, that element of conversation as long as it would not align with my religious beliefs I would remove it.

The aspect of no sex before marriage or other vanity aspects which I was sure would turn on the conversation and spice it up more, I couldn't use them because my religion told me not to. I was defeating myself with my own religious beliefs, digging my own grave with the same very aspects I believed in. Such is the life I lost Hillary.

After suffering such a defeat I bought myself a thick rope from the hardware shop, the first step to committing suicide.

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Nearly everyone loves the weekend, they love Friday and Saturday. They buy alcohol, go clubbing and do whatever it takes to give them hype and relax. But then there I was on a Friday, and I had three options. Either going to bed, to the library, or a church service. Whereas all three options were part of a system to dumb me down more. I felt stupid, about how I had failed when building up my reputation or image during my teens. On my way to the library, I would see cars playing loud music on their way to the clubs with the individuals who were showing they were surely going to have a good time. People getting high on drugs and alcohol. Their high was too sure to give them a good time I was sure to never have. I would see couples on their way to and fro and somehow wished it was me and Hillary until I remembered why I was not in that position of " couples".

When I got to the library, I would tell myself why I was not supposed to indulge in the Friday and Weekend activities. My religion told me clubbing is bad, don't do it. Getting high on drugs and alcohol is an abomination. The list in my mind was endless. Have I started to focus on my studies whilst in the library the images of Friday activities kept on playing in my mind on how I am a fool not doing any of them but my religion told me they are don'ts? Knowing very well the pleasure of such.

If I had indulged more in these activities of the weekend maybe I could have built up a character that was better than my current self and able to win Hillary's heart. 

For I saw truly how my life had no excitement within it. I was alive physically but dead emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

I failed to concentrate in the library that night and what did I do? I went to a gas station and purchased petrol in a container. The second step of three to committing suicide.

I was a good kid, down in my books, seemingly moving on after the" heartbreak", trying to push away the Friday and weekend aspects. I was studying hard, obviously expecting the best results. In

the Christian religion there is an aspect of " you reap what you saw", I'm also sure it exists in Islam, Hindu, Jewish, and other not-so-mainstream religions.

So every day and night I was in the library working. Praying to my religion to see me through. In all honesty, I had never studied as hard as I was doing that semester. Sacrificing everything for the greater good. So I wrote an exam for a module after I had studied to my full capacity.

Whilst in the exam I answered 2 questions out of 3, not because I was dull on information but because I forgot to read the instructions that I was supposed to answer 3 questions.

I took it lightly, why, my religion was to save me. For it told me it was capable of doing extraordinary and unbelievable aspects for me. After all, I was to reap what I had sowed. When the results of the module were available, I had failed the module which I greatly believed my religious aspects would save me from.

This was the last straw. I could not handle it. My religion had told me, I am a conqueror, a winner, and an achiever but what I saw in my life reflected the opposite. My parents had raised me with the idea of not failing and it was not tolerable. Whenever I did fail the sharpest level of criticism was always waiting for me on how I was to have an uncertain future, I realized that it wasn't their fault for believing in the quotation that says "Education is the key to success". It's what they were blindly indoctrinated into believing just like they were blindly indoctrinated into believing about religion.

I bought myself a fire lighter, step three of committing suicide.

I went behind the family yard. Tied the rope to a tree branch. The rope I had bought earlier. Made a noose and hung it over my neck as I sat on the tree branch. I spilled the petrol all over my body from the head going downwards. The petrol which I had purchased after the rope. I lit the fire lighter on to my body, the flames started heating me and I hung myself from the tree in flames ........................

I was still alive but dead emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.

I hope whoever reads this piece will be able to unlearn the falsehoods they have believed.