Plotting Against GOD

I am plotting against GOD if a situation does not go the way I intend it to and how GOD said it would.

I know that I messed up and only realized it at the end. But I am calm and composed knowing very well that GOD has my back. Am I supposed to be thinking in such a way and putting myself in a comfort zone?

Yes, I am. That is the way I was structured to think. I am not to question it. Why? Because GOD offered a comfort zone and I accepted it. Even though I know I have messed up, I'm still fine because I believe GOD has my back. I have given GOD full authority in my life but forgot to give the power and authority to me, the most important entity. I "know" I am going to be delivered from the mess I have made. Is it so?

The doubts are resurfacing about the mess I have made. The big screw-up. I am already seeing the results and questioning GOD if he will save me. The odds are stacked against me and if GOD does not deliver me........ I then start plotting against GOD or should I start plotting now? Just be prepared for the worst. But the question is how?

How is this plot going to be effective? I remember a poet once saying " Your arms are too short to box with GOD." Well, I guess those were his arms, not mine. So back to the" how " part of it. How is my plot going to work? Firstly, I am going to reject GOD and the doctrine about GOD. Call it a populist philosophy and indoctrinate me with Anti-GOD ideology. Then what? Secondly, I will indoctrinate the masses with the Anti-GOD ideology and critique the ideology about GOD including other beliefs or religions. Do I think I am that powerful or effective?

Am I losing my "common sense"? Am I out of my mind?

Now I have gotten back to my "common sense". Am I seriously going to plot a war against GOD and win? Am I paying attention to my thoughts or I have gone insane? Well, I am making an ill-informed decision out of a doubt. What if GOD will deliver me out of the mess I have made? GOD will act as much as I believe he will. This will not be the first or last time GOD will be saving from me the gates of hell but why is this situation or mess so critical to an extent that if GOD will not save me I will start a war with GOD?

                         

I believe in GOD and the gospel. If I look back at my life and see the situations where GOD has done the impossible, I truly see how insane I am now.

But with this plot against GOD, I ask myself what if it was meant to be that way and I just believed blindly that GOD had done it for me?

So I continue plotting in case GOD does not deliver me and if GOD does deliver me I keep believing in the doctrine. I cannot put all my eggs in one basket, can I? I have to have options right? I cannot be subjective or one-sided.

What if GOD does deliver me? It was a question I asked myself in church, in GOD's house. I had also asked GOD to save me that day in church. I do so each day. Am I that afraid of a small negative outcome in a comfort zone to an extent that if it goes wrong, I am willing to start a war with GOD for not doing as I, please?

Or is this plot just self-defeating? How it portrays me to be egoistic, and self-centered and I want GOD to do as I please. Not as GOD pleases to an extent that I am plotting against him. It's Biblical foolishness to be planning such an act because I know how it will play out for me. I will be the fool and GOD will remain GOD. Is it so?

I might even go insane. I think I am insane now. I can't even take down the corrupt system I live in and I think I can take down GOD.

I am going insane, aren't I?

What if my plotting this war will be a liberation victory for myself? From laws and beliefs that hinder my freedom. Getting to the real answers of "Why must we not ". What if me walking away from GOD I will get what I truly desire or am I just making choices out of ignorance, selfishness and failure to understand what GOD is really about?

What will I get if this plot succeeds? I criticize GOD. Then what? Will I be saved from the mess or am I creating a larger mess out of nothing? Will I truly not need GOD? How will my mind function the following morning, the following day, or in the future after launching this plot?

Do I become greater than GOD? Do I rub it in GOD'S face that I got my revenge for him backstabbing me? Then what? Who will I be tomorrow when my plot succeeds? I would have lost my current identity. Then how will I build my next identity? Knowing very well that the current identity is a result of aligning with GOD'S doctrine. Or will I keep plotting? What do you think?

I believe this plot is a reverse perspective spin, I am pointing the gun at my head, ready to pull the trigger. But why do I believe this? Why? Why?

I stop worshiping GOD. Stop going to church. Criticize the doctrine and ideology. Then run away from it and stage a protest against GOD. That's my plot. A threat I have given GOD that if he won't do as I please or has I ask of him, I will make this threat or plot come to pass. I have truly gone insane haven't I ? Just a tiny little me plotting against GOD. Who do I think I am? A senior assistant to the devil?

I believe everything happens for a reason. Me making this plot just an action made out of anger, failure to understand and want to keep myself in a comfort zone. I do not want to struggle and fail so I see GOD has a path to success with no failure. Do I fail to see things?

I hope my plot is clear.

Should I continue plotting or is my plot short-sighted and stupid?