Insomnia

The unknown that is predicted by mere mortals who argue about their existence amongst themselves produces fear, chaos and uncertainty. Which is brewed to truth and facts that make me a victim of insomnia. The same mere mortals who argue which GOD is the true GOD.

What if Jesus Christ comes back tomorrow? Thus the end of life. What if North Korea and Iran fire nuclear missiles into our country? Though we are miles apart what if it just happens by collateral? What if a deadly virus breaks out tomorrow morning in my province? What if I wake up dead, paralyzed or with a mental instability disease? What if the finance and economic markets go into depression and then plunge right below zero to a minus figure? What if a natural disaster like a tornado, flood, cyclone, or hail storm devastates my area? These are questions I ask myself each night before I attempt to sleep whereby the results are a failed attempt. I do not know which of these tragedies is better. To face these disasters when asleep or awake. I believe that forewarned is forearmed. So I better 'sleep' with my eyes open and my arms in hand. Thus why during broad daylight I sleepwalk with my eyes open but with my mind shut comforting myself that the questions I was asking myself last night did not gain answers in a negative direction overnight yet could do so during the day. At least I have people around me during the day. At least I have people around me during the day whom when tragedy strikes we face in numbers. What if tragedy strikes at an odd time during the day when the numbers are not enough to be counted on? See why I can not sleep at night or during the day?

Do I seek insomnia for odd reasons? Am I diagnosed with insomnia or I do diagnose myself with it? Am I paranoid about life that I overthink beyond logical reasoning or below it? What if I catch a commercial flight then it descends into the ocean or nose dives into the ground at godspeed? Maybe worse, disappears like the Malaysian flight. Why is my insomnia fueled by negativity, sadness, acquired depression, or fear? Why is my insomnia not fueled by positivism, happiness, faith or love?

                                  

I do not believe there is insomnia fueled by positivism, happiness, faith or love. If it is such, then it is not insomnia. A person whose insomnia is fueled by positive thoughts, feelings and actions, would they take anti-depressant pills to doze off? Would they attempt to sleep with the Bible, Quran/Koran, and Torah under their pillow to fuse the power of these three for a joint operation for protection? Whereby the joint operation fails because the cause for it never began. For I do not sleep.

 I would be more comfortable sleeping in an uncomfortable place if the numbers add up to have strength in numbers for protection from harm. What then if you are the only one harmed in those numbers? See what insomnia is? Not that which is fueled by an attention seeker saying," I could not sleep last night because I was so happy for or of...... I could not sleep last night because I could I could not wait for.." If you can not sleep at night then you should not during the day.

Why don't I seek professional therapy, professional counseling or social services for help? I have to. I desperately need someone to talk to before I am mistakenly referred to a mental asylum. Not that I am mentally ill but just unstable for the attribution of it. What I need is a Therapist, Psychologist and Social Worker in the same room. Add a Politician and a Preacher to add more weight. They all should tell me why I can not sleep. Even with all five professionals in my bedroom, I can not fall asleep as they watch over me. Even if the Politician guarantees me that the finance and economic markets will not crumble as he or she sits next to my bed so that I sleep, it will not work. What if I do sleep according to his or her words, then their antagonists are plotting it goes the opposite direction of their reassurance to what I fear? Even if the therapist, psychologist and social worker counsel and treat me with therapy reassuring me my social life will be fine the result will not be sleep. If anti-depressants and sleeping pills failed who do they think they are? The preacher can reassure me that Jesus or the Prophet Muhammad will not come tomorrow but soon. Soon of when? Next week? Next month? Next year? Next decade? Soon of when? I need a date not soon. The unknown is predicted by mere mortals who argue about their existence.

I do not suffer from insomnia whether it be by positive or negative causes but do so in the context of self-inflicting myself with it. So that when people state their problems and diseases I also have something to say.

Whilst one is in depression and suffers from insomnia by not knowing where their next meal will come from, I suffer from insomnia by wondering what if. 'Ifs' have the potential of turning into a reality in my mind alone. Diagnosed from insomnia or self-diagnosed with insomnia. If you think I do sleep, come visit me.