A Gay Father

Is a gay man a man? Just think if your father decides to finally tell you that he is GAY. That he is a HOMOSEXUAL. Your father who is married to your mother, who is a family man decides to attribute to himself to be a GAY FATHER. How will a man raised in a male-dominated and chauvinist society react to the man whom he referred to be his father telling him that he is gay?

She threw the divorce papers at my face and then divorced herself from the room. She was not going to settle for a divorce with me and wanted our Lawyers to settle for us an open marriage relationship status instead of a divorce. That is what she was willing to put herself through to save her image and status as a wife and a mother. Now she was to become a 'wife' and remain a mother with the father of her child who is no longer a husband but was legally married now settling for an open marriage relationship. Had I made a wrong decision to come out in the open? Take a step towards the truth and no longer live in a matrix. What was she going to think of me? Was she going to think that she was not a satisfying woman and wife? She was never wrong, she was always right until.......

How will your state of mind handle this self-inflicted disease? How will your state of mind handle this self-inflicted pain psychologically? You might have convinced yourself it is the right thing to do when you told your wife and yourself but when you truly sit down by yourself not yourself that is self-convinced to get his selfish desires but the true you. You will vomit yourself out, claw out of your skin and want to run away from yourself.

What is my son going to think of me? In this male-dominated and chauvinist society, how was my son going to handle it? I believe he should handle and take it in like a man just as the society he was raised in taught him. What were the society and community going to think of me? I could care less what they would think of me because I rarely care nor think about them either. After all, we are divided and separated by walls and the streets we live and survive in.

I looked at the man in the mirror, who used to be a father in the mirror but was now a gay father in the mirror. Who had become a gay husband too, " Maybe you should have not told her. After two and a half decades as a husband and two decades as a father. Did you have to? Out of all honesty was it worth it? The truth does hurt and it will set you free but can you not see that this truth has done nothing in line with setting you free? It has put you in deeper bondage than you can imagine. You could have done what most husbands do behind closed doors in underground buildings. Just cheat on your wife till cheating no longer gives you the thrill, passion and excitement that it used to. What are you going to do when the thrill, passion and excitement expire? You can call it quits but do you think you will be able to go back to your life of two decades that you built? Your wife will not be humiliated or hurt in public nor at face value because of the open marriage relationship clause you will have in private. What will humiliate and consume her alive is the anger, grief, regrets and unstable thoughts that will happen internally for her. She will not let it out due to the clause you will sign but she will share the same bed with you despite such odd circumstances and from there you will see the demons that consume her from within that she keeps bottled just to secure your 'marriage' and parenting."

I continued, "Has much as you believe that it was the right thing to do it was wrong in its own right. Will you not feel anything for her when she goes to sleep in tears, wakes up in tears and lives her life in tears covered by face powder and makeup? Can you sleep in a bed that is wet all night? Saturated in cold grief tears for the next two, three, four or five decades. You can not even handle the cold weather or a cold shower. What if a bed is saturated and wet from cold tears each night for the rest of your life? You know you can not sleep away from home because that will be odd of you. Especially to your son. I can not bottle nor battle my demons because of her. I could have let them out but she refused to sign the divorce papers and altered for an open marriage making her collateral now she has to battle my demons and be bottled up with them. I might be a gay man but among men, there is a saying that goes like, "Never look back and keep marching" and that is what I am going to do. Take it like a man or woman. After all, you scream gender equality, don't you? Let us equal the pain shall we"

When the men know of this gross decision that you have taken can you still walk among them as confident as you do now? Obviously, in your mind, you have fooled yourself into that you can. In reality, you cannot walk amongst them as you make yourself believe you can. Over two decades has been a family man who believes in male patriarchy and male dominance you do know how your beliefs deal with your current situation. Can you deal with the bed saturated with cold tears that you will sleep in plus a combination of your male chauvinist

friends persecuting you? When you sit down with your gay status among them that is when the demons will haunt you. 

Furthermore, " A father to a son who became a father to a man. How will a man tell himself that his father is a gay man? How will a man raised in a male-dominated and chauvinist society react to the man whom he referred to as father telling him that he is gay? Did it happen before the son became a man or after? Pray that it happened after and not before. For if it happened before that will just destroy your son's mental state. Like being raised by a father who was trying to become a man and failed to become one. What other smoking mirrors are there? If I assume I was gay before, what about before being gay when I got married to my mother? Will he even believe I am his father? That the is my seed? Can you not see that you are destroying your family for an unreasonable cause? You raised a boy to become a man only to tell him you are not man enough. How will you live with yourself? You can live with yourself because you are soothing your conscience but how can you live with your family now? If they are still your family or they have become your 'family'. There is nothing honest, right or manly about your decision and actions you are planning to execute. It is inhuman, you are creating a holocaust for your family"

When you communicate your gospel of truth to your son, are you aware of the visuals that will play in his mind? Sexual visuals of you being gay/ homosexual. He will continue to torture himself in his mind by asking himself the one question, " Did it happen before he became a man or after?" If he convinces himself that it happened before, then somehow he will convince himself that when you touched him, hugged him or made any physical contact you were probably using him for your dark sexual desires unknowingly to him but you being aware. Do you see how that is psychologically deranged? Or you don't, because it is fine for you, you do not care if it is okay for other people. 

In conclusion, "You might not care what your society or the community might think of you but what will they think about your 'wife' and your son? What measure of judgment will they use upon them? For they, the society will see that the measure of justice they are delivering upon you is not effective, so they will make it effective on those whom you loved who are innocent just to get the pain to you. Think of a son being persecuted for his father's sins. Whilst father says 'Take it like a man.' You told the truth but it was not manly of you.

Are you lost and seeking attention? Or are you sick mentally and victimized?