A Cursed Friend

The tragedy of it all, I was trying to be someone who I was not, Yet I did not even know who I was and there you were, liking me when I did not even see a future of loving myself. 

To Stephanie, Tadiwanashe, Vanessa and Rebecca.

My dears or former dears depending on which context you will take this from, I would like to apologize for being a cursed friend. Despite the fact that to one of you the word 'apology' has lost its relevance when coming from me. If there is or are any other word(s) that can stand in place of apologies and sorry that you are aware of but with a deeper meaning than the two, please put them in place each time your eyes pass through the words apologize or sorry. I wish you knew how uncomfortable I am writing this but I have to so that at some point in my life, I have peace of mind after coming to my senses. Though be aware that this letter of apology holds a very slim chances of getting hold of your attention or even passing through your eyes. If this letter gets hold of you when my status of being cursed has become blessed, please accept my apology. 

                                     

You might think there was something wrong with you or something you did wrong unto me that led me to treat you the way I did. Just to clear your conscience, there was nothing wrong you did but I wronged myself which in turn sent our relationship spiraling down. Though I applaud your effort very much when at some point you tried resuscitating our friendship several times I was sick mentally that I enjoyed watching it spiraling down for the cause of it. Each of you was just too good to be true for a person LIKE ME. Which resulted in fueling my personal insecurities and led me to torment myself by asking 'How long will this last?' You were a truth that I saw to be an illusion for I had been sick mentally for some time when it came to friendships. So I decided it would be a good precaution if I let you go first before you decided to lose or eradicate me. It is not because I was spoilt to an extent that I could not handle rejection but I was rejected by the same person too many times that I could not see beyond that one person. Which resulted in it altering my thought process negatively. Come to think of it now, it was never a precaution just an irrational decision based on doubt and overthinking. For some odd reason, I am not aware of, what I stereotyped you and look how being stereotyped devours its believers. That in turn murdered my soul and state of mind that you could not see from an internal point. Please accept my apology, I am sorry. 

I used to overthink life to an extent that I failed to enjoy the moment. At one point I used to ask myself if I failed to be greater in the time to come would you still LIKE ME the same? As if I had succeeded in the present day. I really could not think of myself, for I thought in a manner my parents wanted me to. Furthermore, I convinced myself for some odd reason that self-actualization, maturity and adolescents had not yet begun for me which fueled more doubt on my part. Looking at it from another point of view self-actualization, maturity and adolescents had begun but in a very awkward manner that even failed to impress me. I just thought of the people you had met before me and those whom you met after me. If I was below them, at par with them or above them. I could not handle being below them or at par with them. At the beginning and end of the day, I would ask myself what is it that I have to do better so that I can be like them to you. So that you could smile at me more than the way you would smile at them. Even if it meant being someone I was not yet I did not even know who I was. Taking into consideration that you LIKED me when I did not see a future of loving myself. I was blinded by social insecurities to an extent that I could not see I was more than enough. Or was I? I realized I was more than enough after I became nothing to you. You should have told me I was something. How stupid I was, waiting for approval.

Maybe if I had met you earlier I would not have felt insecure, for I would guarantee myself that we could stand the test of time or time was in my favor. Or if I had met you when I had self-actualized, matured and done with adolescents. I would not lose sleep over losing. Please accept my apology, I am sorry. 

At some point in my life, if not every point, the only friend I had was me. So when a new friend came along I felt jealous of losing my friendship with myself to a new friend.

At some point, you were all I had outside of the family. I am not saying you were the only human beings I was communicating with but you were the only beings that were human to me. The ONLY. Yet aware of that, instead of giving me comfort it raised more insecurities by making me aware that I was not the only human being that was surrounding me outside my family. Hence there were others who had the same interests as me but who were better of than me. Now tell me, how was I justified to get ready for battle when I was not eligible to be in the war for you nor to be eligible to apply for the application list to be trained for the war? Yet here you were being the only ones whom I had but lost at the same time.

This is difficult to write and publish. 

Would you have blamed if me I left you just to protect both of us? To protect me from becoming a victim of jealousy and protect you from being on the receiving end of my jealousy. Over the choices, you would make on who would win the war for you. Maybe I overestimated my importance when I was gearing up to apply for your love because it was utterly odd that you would LIKE ME. I had forgotten to stay in my lane, like an adopted child who wants an inheritance that is parceled out on the basis of blood. Hence I opted to move out of the picture but you still wanted me in it but just not beside you. You also wanted to remain in my picture but I erased you from it and placed you in a gallery in my mind so that when I look at the picture it will not hurt me from the outside but from the inside. For I had become used to it. It hurt you more when you realized that you were not part of my picture when you knew you were the one but never behaved as the one. Your pain did not last. It disappeared in a blink of an eye because you had more comfort than you could handle. Mine hurts up to now to an extent of writing and publishing this. I have been on your waiting list till the ink that penned down my name faded off. Was I wrong from removing you from a visible space to instill you in an invisible galaxy where you would not depreciate? If you were hurt for not being visible, please accept my apology, I am sorry. 

At some point in my life, if not every point, the only friend I had was me. So when a new friend came along I felt jealous of losing my friendship with myself to a new friend.

But I am more sorry for myself, for I cursed myself where I was blessed.

Yours Truly

Former Cursed Friend.