Fear. FEAR
It should let me go. Or should I let it go? Look at what it has cost me. Look at what it has made me do. How can one element or individual poses such power and knowledge. It is not an individual nor an element, it is a system.
I had loaded my ammo and reassured myself that I was going to do it. I even had a vision of me doing it. "Where there is no vision the people perish.", right? I even had visions of me being successful and reaping the fruits of my labor. That was pride. Pride comes before the fall. What pride did I have? That I was going to fire my ammo, that I was going to do it. My vision would become a reality. Until it struck me. I then lost myself.
It struck me so hard that I forgot how to fire my ammo. I knew that to fire my ammo I must squeeze the trigger. I asked myself, " Which part of my weapon was the trigger?" " Was it the bullet hole or the safety clip?" I continued to ask myself. Why could I not fire at the target? I thought of retreating but my ammo was loaded. The target was not aware that it was a target. It was not aware that it was bound to be hit but the one targeting it now had second thoughts or had lost vision on how to do it." "Squeeze the trigger, you are already face to face with the target. Let the ammunition rain. You can do this.", my mind motivated me. I swear I knew which part was the trigger before I walked into this situation. I knew each and every part including its function. Until it was time, then alas.
No matter how much motivation I was having, the flashbacks of my vision and the reassurance I had given myself. It would not let me do it. It would be diplomatic enough to let me squeeze the trigger so that I would know how it felt to fire the ammo but it would let me miss the target. It let me fire rounds of ammunition in the air that my target did not even notice. The hunter became the hunted at his own hands. It had taken control of me just like it does to the billions of species.
I scolded myself, " I could not do it. You could not do it. You could not do it. You had it all planned out, with all the needed gears and requirements but you could not do it. Hit the target. Shoot to kill. Was that hard to do? Aim and squeeze. I know your excuse. You are going to blame it on it. It is not it. It is you who is the problem." Was it an it. Was it singular or individual? I believe that it is not an it but them. For no one element poses such power. Fear. FEAR.
I quit having friends. I have had friendships that let to go due to it. It is a horrible individual. I am sure it torments the devil. I am sure it is a system.
I started doubting friendships due to it. Losing interest in friendship because of it. It once asked, " How long do you think your friendship with her is going to last ?" It added on," You know the words of your favorite poet that state, " A thug changes and love changes and best friends become strangers,", you understand those words you do." It concluded, " Think of that friend of yours who was your best friend five years ago, think of that friend who was your friend five years before that and lastly think of who was your best friend when you were five years old, the one whom you wrote an essay on titled 'my best friend.' "
It was right. It was better for me to walkout on a friendship before the friendship walked out on me. It was a formula I had been using due to it. I walked out on a good friendship twice because of it. It had told me I was not eligible enough to sustain the friendship and surely it had shown me statistics on that issue. Men lie, women lie, numbers do not. I walked out on a friendship after asking myself, " How long will I maintain this vibe?" or " What if someone else better than me comes sooner or later?" So I decided to take the first step. It was proud of itself or themselves
"Are you stupid? No, are you mentally sick? No, you really need to get counselling. No, you are an embarrassment to yourself. No, you need to isolate yourself because you are a disease to society. Where was it when you started those friendships? Where was it when you sacrificed for that friendship? Or was it false sacrifice influenced by it? So very friendship that comes by you are going to let it to go before its duration because it controls you? It has become a parasite and you are a host. It uses you as a case study for its success ratings." I believe that it is not an it but them. For no one element poses such power.Fear. FEAR.
I do not believe there is a better scenery view than the one I see through my bedroom window. Each morning it looks the same but communicates a different message. I would like to see it till I die but ignorantly I know that somewhere, some place there is a better view than it. Yet I do not want to go and seek it. I am comfortable with the one in front me. Or am I ?
At some point, the view is going to bore me and I will have to seek for another view communicating a different message each time I look at it. Yet I am not willing to.
"Do you know how hard it is to seek and find?" , it began. " Are you aware of the struggle that they went through in order for you to wake up to that view?. " If you were aware, seeking would not be the word nor the objective but sitting would be it." It concluded.
The alert part of me responded, " So are you willing to die in one place? You are comfortable and grateful for what you have." My mind continued, " Being comfortable, grateful and being content is a disease of human kind. Your are comfortable, grateful and content because you are fearful." My mind concluded, " You do not want to explore anything new because it has grip of you." How can one element or individual poses such power and knowledge. It is not an individual nor an element, it is a system. Fear. FEAR.
Let justice be just and fair. Let justice be served. He or she who does the crime does the time. Is it so? If you are a judge, a law official, a governor, a pope, a father/priest, the president or the royal family? Justice is free but it holds you back from getting it. AFRICA IT CONTROLS YOU.
It knows it is the reason why most people are unstable in life. It knows it is the reason why wars are going on and have happened. It is proud that it makes people religious to avoid the consequences of not being religious. Hell in the after life?
It should let me go. Or should I let it go? Look at what it has cost me. Look at what it has made me do. Missed targets, lost friendships, lost vision, victimized psychologically and lost justice.
It should let me go. It has controlled me for too long. It has indoctrinated horrors in my mind that are not present nor realistic. In a bid to hold me back. It told me I would fail before I even picked up the tools. I know what it fears. It fears me knowing I can let it go. It does know I can. But I fear beginning a new life without it. I have been serving its' interests and not mine for too long. I have to save myself from it to serve mine.
I fear to let it go. I fear to walk free from it. I fear consequences of doing something without it telling me what the consequences are. But it informs me the consequences from its' point of view and not mine. In a bid to serve it. I am done with it and now it is my time.
It is FEAR. It is Fear. FEAR is it. Fear is it.
I had loaded my ammo and reassured myself that I was going to do it. I even had a vision of me doing it. "Where there is no vision the people perish.", right? I even had visions of me being successful and reaping the fruits of my labor. That was pride. Pride comes before the fall. What pride did I have? That I was going to fire my ammo, that I was going to do it. My vision would become a reality. Until it struck me. I then lost myself.
It struck me so hard that I forgot how to fire my ammo. I knew that to fire my ammo I must squeeze the trigger. I asked myself, " Which part of my weapon was the trigger?" " Was it the bullet hole or the safety clip?" I continued to ask myself. Why could I not fire at the target? I thought of retreating but my ammo was loaded. The target was not aware that it was a target. It was not aware that it was bound to be hit but the one targeting it now had second thoughts or had lost vision on how to do it." "Squeeze the trigger, you are already face to face with the target. Let the ammunition rain. You can do this.", my mind motivated me. I swear I knew which part was the trigger before I walked into this situation. I knew each and every part including its function. Until it was time, then alas.
No matter how much motivation I was having, the flashbacks of my vision and the reassurance I had given myself. It would not let me do it. It would be diplomatic enough to let me squeeze the trigger so that I would know how it felt to fire the ammo but it would let me miss the target. It let me fire rounds of ammunition in the air that my target did not even notice. The hunter became the hunted at his own hands. It had taken control of me just like it does to the billions of species.
I quit having friends. I have had friendships that let to go due to it. It is a horrible individual. I am sure it torments the devil. I am sure it is a system.
I started doubting friendships due to it. Losing interest in friendship because of it. It once asked, " How long do you think your friendship with her is going to last ?" It added on," You know the words of your favorite poet that state, " A thug changes and love changes and best friends become strangers,", you understand those words you do." It concluded, " Think of that friend of yours who was your best friend five years ago, think of that friend who was your friend five years before that and lastly think of who was your best friend when you were five years old, the one whom you wrote an essay on titled 'my best friend.' "
It was right. It was better for me to walkout on a friendship before the friendship walked out on me. It was a formula I had been using due to it. I walked out on a good friendship twice because of it. It had told me I was not eligible enough to sustain the friendship and surely it had shown me statistics on that issue. Men lie, women lie, numbers do not. I walked out on a friendship after asking myself, " How long will I maintain this vibe?" or " What if someone else better than me comes sooner or later?" So I decided to take the first step. It was proud of itself or themselves
"Are you stupid? No, are you mentally sick? No, you really need to get counselling. No, you are an embarrassment to yourself. No, you need to isolate yourself because you are a disease to society. Where was it when you started those friendships? Where was it when you sacrificed for that friendship? Or was it false sacrifice influenced by it? So very friendship that comes by you are going to let it to go before its duration because it controls you? It has become a parasite and you are a host. It uses you as a case study for its success ratings." I believe that it is not an it but them. For no one element poses such power.Fear. FEAR.
I do not believe there is a better scenery view than the one I see through my bedroom window. Each morning it looks the same but communicates a different message. I would like to see it till I die but ignorantly I know that somewhere, some place there is a better view than it. Yet I do not want to go and seek it. I am comfortable with the one in front me. Or am I ?
At some point, the view is going to bore me and I will have to seek for another view communicating a different message each time I look at it. Yet I am not willing to.
"Do you know how hard it is to seek and find?" , it began. " Are you aware of the struggle that they went through in order for you to wake up to that view?. " If you were aware, seeking would not be the word nor the objective but sitting would be it." It concluded.
The alert part of me responded, " So are you willing to die in one place? You are comfortable and grateful for what you have." My mind continued, " Being comfortable, grateful and being content is a disease of human kind. Your are comfortable, grateful and content because you are fearful." My mind concluded, " You do not want to explore anything new because it has grip of you." How can one element or individual poses such power and knowledge. It is not an individual nor an element, it is a system. Fear. FEAR.
Let justice be just and fair. Let justice be served. He or she who does the crime does the time. Is it so? If you are a judge, a law official, a governor, a pope, a father/priest, the president or the royal family? Justice is free but it holds you back from getting it. AFRICA IT CONTROLS YOU.
It knows it is the reason why most people are unstable in life. It knows it is the reason why wars are going on and have happened. It is proud that it makes people religious to avoid the consequences of not being religious. Hell in the after life?
It should let me go. It has controlled me for too long. It has indoctrinated horrors in my mind that are not present nor realistic. In a bid to hold me back. It told me I would fail before I even picked up the tools. I know what it fears. It fears me knowing I can let it go. It does know I can. But I fear beginning a new life without it. I have been serving its' interests and not mine for too long. I have to save myself from it to serve mine.
I fear to let it go. I fear to walk free from it. I fear consequences of doing something without it telling me what the consequences are. But it informs me the consequences from its' point of view and not mine. In a bid to serve it. I am done with it and now it is my time.
It is FEAR. It is Fear. FEAR is it. Fear is it.
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