The Vision

So today I woke up and made a decision.

A decision that I will ultimately change my future but not my current state or my past. This decision, which I failed to make in the past is the reason why I have a poor current state of mind or image. Yet I believe that when implementing this decision and when it finally reaches its full peak my current state will be nothing but a memory with no influence on my future current self.

I have decided to create a vision.

The reason why my life is a mess and I continuously think of suicide each time I wake up is that I failed to have a future view of what I wanted for myself.

I would wake up in the morning and do the regulars of life, attend lectures, study, eat and the list goes on. I would tell myself to finish college then get a nice job and start building from there. This is what I saw in the future and believed to be certain. Looking back and viewing the vision I have now, I was just going to be living someone else's life or vision as I would put like to put it.

So what was my current state or my past, that I described as being negative earlier? Well, I had associated myself with individuals that had a vision, believe me, people who have a vision when they see an individual without a vision, will exploit that individual to make their vision come to life. They will indoctrinate you with their vision till you believe it is yours.

I fell victim to a visionary, a small-time college politician who believed he was a big shot. Whilst I believed he was, the reason being he had indoctrinated his vision into my mind. Now that I have the vision, I have been seriously laughing at myself and this cheap college politician. Well, I'm sure you are wondering what made me a victim to this small-time college politician, well it's because I did not have a vision and people without a vision are very simple to push around and control. Try it yourself one day and you will believe me.

So there I was, playing the "spokes boy" for the college politician. What was my vision now, to make the college politician win the votes and for all of us within the campaigning team to get recognition and the benefits that came along?

Only did I not know that the political vision indoctrinated in me was different from the one the college politician I was working for had. For as soon as he won, he would kick me out and I would accept it.

Why would I accept it, because the level of his vision was too big to fit in my empty mind and he only managed to squeeze in the elements of me seeing the victory of the election and not beyond it?

So there we were, " we" won the election and he got his honor, power and benefits. I appreciated that he had won or "we" had won but then he moved on to the next level of his vision.

Pushing us out of the light of his new glory and he did it easily without coercion. I agreed to be pushed out and he removed his vision from my mind.

There I was, I woke up the following morning without a " vision", empty and regretting. How I had been used to achieving another individual's goals but I conflicted with myself, telling myself I had done what I was supposed to do and it was correct. But the other side of me was laughing at myself as I cried at the same time.

On how I had been used to achieve another person's goals and not mine. Or at least if I was a middle-class fool I could have thought through the college politician's vision and seen beyond it but I couldn't. It was better off if I had built something from that vision going onward though it wouldn't be mine it would be something at least.

There I was visionless, crying and realizing how I should have had a vision before being made to play into another man's vision.

I had a " vision" after being played out by the politician. I thought why not join the basketball team? Why? Well, I thought politics was not for everyone, maybe sports would come cheaper than politics I guess and would be less controversial.

Also to aid my conscience the basketball coach said that he was to build and design a wrecking machine for a team. I aligned with his vision and made a vision out of his vision.

I made a vision of winning all the games, the tournaments, and the pleasure and benefits of such but I lacked vision the execution, the implementation, or the sacrifice needed.

After a couple of weeks of attending the session, I quit. Why? I realized it was not for me. The heart, the passion, the will and the drive to do so were not in me. It was to be instilled in me by the coach just like the politician indoctrinated his vision into me.

At that point, I realized I had to sit down and come up with a vision. A vision with an execution plan and practicality. Made by me and me alone without anyone else.

The following month I was a wreck, how I had been used by the politician and then kicked out. Not being even offered peanuts for my work which could have been appreciated but I got offered a bitter pill of a reality check.

The vision of being a basketball all-star player, building that vision out of a vision but what happened was I had no vision of the execution and I constantly hated myself more to an effort of committing suicide but I decided to create a vision before it got out of hand.

A long-term vision and execution of it on how I was to stick by it no matter what and would not give up on it because it was made by me for me.

My current state of being used and re-used had made a good mess of myself and I allowed it.

This new vision, I have today will improve my current state tomorrow, and will teach me to execute my vision and not anyone else's vision on their behalf unless it is aiding mine.

How I am to motivate those without a vision to make something out themselves through creating a vision that is not polarised by outside influence.